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Another family birthday
Tomorrow is Son's birthday and, as usual we are having a family meal. At times when the finances are healthy we take everyone out for a meal, but at the moment they are a tad stretched so Daughters last month, and Son's this have been home-cooked. Tradition is that the birthday celebrant chooses what they want, Hubby was sure that we would be having a full Roast Beef dinner, but when questioned Son picks..............haddock Pie, thin green beans, baby corn, and new potatoes, I have never known Hubby to be so disappointed in Son. I'm disappointed as well, but just because I'm a lazy c*w, if it's a roast Hubby cooks, the pie is down to me, I'm taking it as a compliment, he likes my recipe and my cooking. Eldest Daughter has said she wants to make the birthday cake, her sister is miffed, she has taken on the role of Birthday Cake baker over the last few years, but Amy's Mum wants to have a last fling at being a domestic goddess before she returns to work on Tuesday.
There was a meeting with management on Friday. Assurances were given that this crisis would be short-lived, they have recruited 3 midwives from Germany who will start in April, is this an illustration of how thin midwives are on the ground in the UK? I'm not sure, seems odd though, perhaps it's a way around capping on expenditure, heaven knows. Spoke to my student, she has given up her training due to the difficulty balancing home life with the rigours of the course and the stress of attempting to organise childcare when you only know what you're working a week in advance.
The cold I had six weeks ago has never completely gone, and it returned with a vengance yesterday. I blame it on the Gas Board and their Heath Robinson attempts with our heating, we now have a house where you go from one room to another encountering temperatures from the sultry to the arctic, my body is so intent on trying to control my internal temperature that it hasn't got time to fight bugs.
Must fly now, daughter and Jack are coming round and we are going to an NCT nearly new sale. My life is so exciting that I'm surprised it's not plastered all over the pages of Heat!
Life style changes
Finally convinced Hubby to go and have his cholesterol levels rechecked. It's only taken 6 months, and this time I made sure that he did starve from midnight, last time he didn't, and when questioned by the phlebotomist he lied and said he had. Anyway, the day after the latest test Docs phoned and said they needed to see him, guessed that things may not be too good. How right we were, 8.7. Bad result, especially given that his Dad died at 64 following a coronary bypass for coronary heart disease. Hubby came back from the surgery clutching a prescription for Statins and Nicorette patches. Off I went to the supermarket and bought an entire new larder of 'healthy' foodstuffs. This was Thursday, and until Sunday Hubby was in denial, then the family descended for the Birthday meal, and started nagging. Monday came, off I went to work, and when I returned I realised that no ciggies had been smoked, the butter was untouched, the fruit bowl was virtually empty, and Hubby was Mr Depressed. Today he has been happier, he is talking about joining a Gym, starting evening classes and declaring that 'Flora isn't that bad'. Who is this man? Certainly not the man I married.
I've survived my first days as Amy's childminder, it is different to being Nanny though. When I'm in Grandparent role I can let things slide, housework etc. but having Amy all day, from 7.30am until 5pm, means that daily life has to continue, and I have found the adjustment difficult. For a start, when to Mum's of babies get to blog? If I'm lucky Amy sleeps for about three-quarters of an hour, and that time is used clearing-up the debris from meals, sorting out washing and collecting my energy for the next onslaught, sitting at the computer, I wish. I suppose it will get easier as we settle into our own little routine but at the moment I can't leave her for a moment, she's just learn't to climb stairs and is now experimenting with letting go and free standing when negotiating support structures. I have memories of just letting my own little ones 'get on with it', but I'm too frightened that she will injure herself, and her Mummy & Daddy will never forgive me, to be quite that blase. Luckily she is a lovely natured little girl, the only time she gets cross is when she's hungry, other than that she chatters away, plays happily and is full of smiles and spontaneous cuddles.
Jack is approaching the 'terrible twos' at breakneck speed. For the majority of the time he is still my little angel, but then he will suddenly enact a tantrum of mega proportions, throwing toys, lashing out at whoever has dared interupt his game or has attempted to do something that is not part of his master plan. The 'voice' and 'look' have worked up until now, I suppose I am going to have to introduce the 'naughty stair' to my repertoire.
My worst nightmare..........
.........and here it is.
Well, it's not true to sat that it's my worst nightmare, that would be a PPH, shoulder dystocia or AFE at a homebirth, but they don't appear on my little computer buddy assuring me that they are not difficult. Difficult, no, that's not the right description, overwheming is more accurate.
I'm not an expectant Grandmother anymore. What else can I say? 'Peanut' was just not meant to be.
I'm so sad, I feel for that little being who I will never know, but my heart aches when I think about my daughter. I am so lucky to have never had to go through what she went through yesterday, and will carry on going through. At the moment she is so raw that she has shuttered herself away and is only speaking to her sister and me, and we feel absolutely helpless in the face of her emotional torment. After she had the worries early on, and then everything seemed to resolve, we thought it would all be OK. Even Fetal Medicine raising the issue of how small 'peanut' was did not trouble her that much, after all Jack was not a huge baby, and then once you get to 16 weeks you tend to believe that you are in the 'safety zone'. On Friday she had bled slightly, but thought she felt baby moving, so was unconcerned, but then on Sunday night it started again, not huge but enough to concern her. The hospital made her a scan appointment for yesterday morning and told her to starve from midnight on Monday, I had told them that I couldn't hear baby's heart. I was working yesterday, and was in the middle of a clinic when I got the text from her saying that 'peanut' was dead, and that they wanted to do something horrible to her. I still had 4 patients to see, I contacted another midwife and asked her to come and relieve me as quickly as possible, but I still ended up seeing 3 of them. To be honest I don't know how I dealt with them, automatic midwife must have stepped in, because this midwife was sobbing inside. Anyway, I rushed off, found her and hugged her like I have never hugged her before. She showed me the scan photo they had just taken, it showed a perfect little baby, all curled up, it is just so difficult to believe that something so terrible had happened to it, it looked so right. I bought Jack home with me, I was so lucky to have him to cuddle tightly and snuggle up with. His Mummy had to be put to sleep whilst they took 'peanut' out, the mechanics of which I can't contemplate, this would have been her child, but for something that we have no explanation for.
We are trying to be positive, it could have happened later on and that would have been far worse. She just phoned me up and asked me to get a nice box to put the little bits and pieces about 'peanut' in, even if he's gone she will never forget her hopes and dreams about him. We may never have met but I will always remember my 'nearly' third Grandchild.
I'm going to do my first clinic since daughter lost the baby, and I'm frightened. Frightened that I will cry, not listen properly, be absent minded,but I'm most frightened that I will lose it. That when a patient moans about her heartburn, her puffy ankles, her spots, her stretchmarks, how tired she is, how uncomfortable she is, how baby keeps her awake because he's kicking, how she doesn't want to be pregnant anymore I will look her in the eye and say 'You are lucky your baby is still alive'. I won't though, I'll touch her knee, I'll look her in the eye and say 'It will all be worth it in the end'.