midwife's muse

All change (I hope)

I know I have been a real winge-pot recently. A part of my brain has been telling me to 'snap out of it', whilst the rest of it has been busy just holding everything together. I have only been communicating with family and friends on a surface level, my defences have been up and wired against intruders. That's how I deal with stress. It got so bad, and I felt so sorry for Hubby, that at the beginning of the week I contemplated seeing the G.P and getting some 'happy pills', luckily I was too busy! The change started on Thursday. I had my interview, and didn't get the post. My manager came and told me, I was disappointed, rejection is never easy, but stoical. Then she said that the Head of Midwifery had said that I was 'heavy hearted', and I realised that my mental state was starting to impinge upon my work, something that I pride myself doesn't happen. Friday morning, and the baby's funeral. It is with a certain amount of trepidation that I go to these heart-breaking ceremonies. I always have a fear that it will be there that the grief suddenly turns to anger, and that I will be the focus of someone's understandable desire to blame someone. That didn't happen though. The family come from one of the small villages that I work in and half the village were there to support the family, many of them took the time to come over to me and say they knew how sad I must be. My emotions were undergoing a turmoil, on the one hand I was grieving for the family, and on the other I was starting to feel self-worth again, I wasn't just a person who sat in clinics, they felt I belonged, and knew I cared about them. It was a beautiful service, a sad goodbye to hopes and dreams, for a baby who will never be forgotten.

Now a change around. The afternoon saw the meeting about a new, local birth centre. Our plans were unveiled, long debates and discussions ensued. Midwives, Mums and associated groups all planning for a home-from-home environment and ethos. So exciting. I arrived home a different person. Five days off work. Plenty of time to start preparing for Christmas and Hubby's birthday on Sunday. So much weight had been lifted from my shoulders that I was practically in orbit.

Last night saw Hubby's informal Golf Society Xmas do. Men only, out for a curry and booze, then four of them staying here ready for an early start for golf. Friend and I went out for a meal, didn't eat much but drank enough to clear the cobwebs. All stayed up until 4 this morning, playing Top Trumps. Today is here, and I am back. My life is mine again. 

11.12.04 16:22